It’s not often that in life you can see where your life is going to diverge. Where depending on what happens in a few hours, your life can become either heavenly or no longer worth living. Usually such moments are marriage proposals, pregnancy tests, and maybe job interviews. Tomorrow I have one of those moments.
For those of you who don’t know, I have the privilege of having the most amazing man. He’s sweet, and thoughtful, he’s handsome, and intelligent, and he also lives over five thousand miles away, in Sweden.
Obviously it’s wickedly complicated with long-distance. As I may have said before, holding a “normal” relationship together is difficult, holding one long-distance is… painful.
So we decided to make the giant leap. To put in the application for a residence visa so I could move to Sweden with him, and tomorrow I have to go to the San Diego consulate and present my case. Depending on what happens at the interview, I will either go to Sweden to study, work, and build my life there. Or I will be trapped in Mexico with no job prospects, no education, but worst of all, without the man who I love probably more than myself.
It may sound childish, but this is terrifying to me. It’s nerve-wracking, having not just your own life, but the life of another person, one who means so much to you, on your shoulders. If you mess up, you messed up your chance at happiness, and the person who you love’s chance at happiness. So of course I’m afraid! In this situation, who wouldn’t be?
But I also know this. Fear is a powerful motivator, a very powerful motivator, but it’s not the most powerful, and one very good way to get rid of fear is to replace it with something else. Something stronger.
Something like… love maybe?
Like Karl-Johan’s face when I show him my residence visa card, or him coming home to our apartment after a long day. Something much like his deep voice and his soft laugh. Like playing with his hair and watching him smooth it back afterwards. Like walking through Uppsala holding hands and going in no particular direction.
With all that love in mind, there is no more room for fear.