As it turns out, airplanes are fairly easy to steal. You just take a plane, lasso it around the middle, and pull it off the runway with all your strength. No one will notice it’s gone.

But I really shouldn’t be telling you this, or else I can get in trouble. Or else they will come for me. They are: The Airplane Cartel.

They’re clever little thieves, whose diversionary tactics are legendary, and who being able to steal planets or people, chose to steal airplanes. No one knows exactly why they chose this above everything else, one would think that stealing a planet is much more lucrative and it’s infinitely more likely to get your name on the papers; so I think the only conclusion to be drawn from this is that airplanes are more powerful than planets.

The airplane thieves take their jobs very seriously too. The true professionals never delay or cancel flights, they always pop in, steal the airplane, and replace it with another, shittier one. One whose bathroom is too cramped. What they do with the airplane they just stole is anybody’s guess. There are rumors that they use them as private jets, that they sell them to NASA for a tidy profit, or that they live in them like flying sky hobos.

I have probably already said too much about the cartel, so I see no harm in saying one last thing. From what I have seen, if you want to join the cartel, you must go to the airport, any airport, and pop into the shadiest bathroom imaginable. Go to a handicapped stall, find a panel on the wall or the floor that doesn’t sit quite right, and walk through it. The password seems to be “Peter Pan.” After that, you’ll be asked to steal a plane, and if all goes well, you are now in the legendary, if strange Airplane Cartel.

I’ll see you in the sky!