I have been keeping this blog, technically since the summer of 2015. Now, almost two years later, things have changed immensely. For the better (thank god) but one thing that’s stuck with me is that time is weird.
I remember being a kid, and it was the middle of December, and to me it seemed like time was playing tricks on me. Why did summer pass so quickly, but these days were coming to a crawl when I needed them to speed by the most, so we could get to Christmas? I remember being horrified by injections as a kid, since even though I felt better around 5 minutes after the injection, for me, time was frozen in that painful prick, making it eternal, and hardly worth it.
For the most part, as an adult, I have outgrown that, and I have come to accept that December isn’t magically slowed down by some cruel personification of time, and that it is definitely worth it to feel the pinprick of pain for ½ a second so that I can feel better for the rest of the week. Though recently I realized that I wasn’t as “adult” as I thought, since time was slowing down painfully now, when I most needed it not to.
The afternoons seemed oh so everlasting and the night was endless and when the next day finally arrived, it was filled with more of the same. Everlasting day, endless night, endless day, everlasting night. Everlasting day…
I have spoken a bit about it before, so this isn’t really news to anyone who read that previous post, but it is particularly hard to get about life when you’re not, as we say, “norteado” meaning when you have no direction, no point of reference, no way to know where you’re going or where you’ve been or even when you are. Which is my case.
I’ll be honest with everyone, I am completely lost. I have no concept of the passage of time. I don’t even know when in time I am, since my concept of time is now dominated by a residence visa that I have no idea when I’ll get. If I knew that I would get the visa in 20 days, then I’d not be so lost. And while I can say mathematically how long I have been waiting (379 days) I can’t manage to express exactly how much longer it feels.
Either way, I’m lost as shit, and for a sailor, that’s pretty bad news. Essentially, I might be only a few meters from the coast, and not even see it, because things are just that unpredictable, and unpredictability is not great when you’re trying to map out a course.
Which brings me to my next point. Being lost is not good (of course) so naturally, I should find a way to “nortearme” which is to say, get a sense of direction, to find my compass. Since in this case, the sense of direction means a sense of time, a pretty good way to do that is by placing markers. For instance, crossing Xs on a calendar at random intervals, whenever I’m feeling a particular way, and then when I look back at said calendar, I can physically see the progression of time. I can get a better handle on how time is moving than if I just went by the days without trying to take note of them. It was only a few days ago that I realized that I was doing exactly that without even thinking about it.
Looking back at all of these posts, they’re like the Xs on the calendar. I look back and read my posts from September, and I think about how I felt back then, and how without even realizing it, I’m already at mid/late March. Old posts from December, old posts from early January, and even February. Time is passing. Time isn’t frozen, the days aren’t everlasting and endless. I may not be able to see the coast, but at least the ship is moving.
And that’s a start.